His Will Be Done

I was feeling quite depressed the other day, which is not the norm for me. I tend to be a glass-half-full kind of girl, always trying to see the silver-lining even through a covering of clouds. Gloomy days are few and far between for me, but they do creep into my cheerful persona occasionally. When they do, I get knocked off my feet.

The entire day I felt on the brink of tears. I fought the ache in my throat and the temptation to give way to my irritation. I wrapped an invisible rope around my mouth to keep from uttering words that I could never erase. The root of my dismal day? Loneliness and discouragement. When every fiber of my spirit wants to be working towards my dream of writing, I can’t. Instead, I haul myself out of bed, rush my kids to school (with whom I would much rather spend my time) and get myself into my classroom. I spend my hours working for others, all my hours. I plan, copy, execute. I make notes, take notes, and teach notes. I follow a strict bell schedule, with only one potty break a day. And I feel as though my creativity is being quickly siphoned away.

After an exhausting day jumping from task to task, I come home to my sweet little boys and watch them invent booby-traps with Legos and design a new racetrack the length of the stairway. They cut, color, and glue their way through life, seeing each moment as a new chance to imagine something, anything. I follow the recipe to make dinner and then I load the dishwasher, squeezing in as many dirty cups and forks as I can so I won’t have to run two loads. Their make-believe chatter is a discordant accompaniment to my hum-drum daily rituals.

And I sink further into my poor-me attitude.

As I head off to bed, ready to bury my weepy eyes into my pillow, I still cannot shake the gloomy feeling. I want to complain to someone, pour my heart full of frustrations out on someone else who will give me the words I long to hear: “Don’t give up. Be patient. You are loved. What God has said He will do, He will do.” But no one is there. Loved ones rest contentedly in slumber while I wrestle with my demon. The long day became an even longer night.

Now, as I sit at my desk a few days later, I stretch back against my chair and gaze at the walls. I don’t make it down here very often, perhaps only once a week, but I am thinking I need to start making more of an effort. In the pictures surrounding my workspace, I see the words I needed – not the printed text, but the spirit of them. In one photo, my brother smiles with me, both of us posing at the Jamestown Movie Set. In another photo, I see my ear-to-ear grin as my dad and Amy Grant pose with me. Then I glance up to the autographs on a When Calls the Heart poster and the When Calls the Heart: Christmas script. I see my writing beautifully illustrated with a friend’s photography, “have faith…hope in the future.” I see the artwork of a kindred spirit and a precious birthday note she wrote for me. My eyes hover over the most encouraging of all: a family portrait. Yes, I hear Him say. I keep my promises. I gave you your husband. I gave you your beautiful boys. Trust Me. What I have said I will do, I will do. Keep working and be patient. All in My time.

So I ignore the clock, open a new document, and let His words come. My feelings are no match for His promises. The loneliness and discouragement won’t win; His will will be done.

4 thoughts on “His Will Be Done

  1. Beautifully written Karen. You do have such a gift. The time will come. Hang in there friend. Don’t forget the growing that takes place in the process. You are an inspiration and handled your situation with such beauty and grace. Job well done my friend.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s